A Post Pour Moi...

I have a habit of going back and re-reading a lot of things I've written earlier; mails, blogs, text messages. I'm not entirely sure why I do it though, except maybe to put myself back in touch with what was influencing me back in time. Again, why that is even important or relevant I'm yet to discover. But I do it nonetheless and I realized that I do often have A-HA experiences or a 'Hmm' from this particular exercise.

While going over some old posts I counted the number of times I've used the phrase 'It's funny how...' and while it's an oh too familiar and prosaic stringing of words I've used it very often because things constantly keep surprising me, amazing me even.
My BFF1 often mocks and is even more exasperated with how oblivious I can be to things which are BANG right in front of me. Am downright like the proverbial blind person in the dark room looking for a black cat at times.

And so no surprises yet again, I found it "funny" how a global and yet VERY old concept of 'Carpe Diem' could surprise me with it's intent and depth. I first knew it to be a Latin phrase, then a poem by Ol' Willie but the meaning of the words hadn't really hit me much. And by now you can guess that it has. Pretty strongly at that.
But what's more important is other things not entirely related to any kind of 'carpe-ing' have started pinging inside the noggin too.

Life in the past few years can be very accurately (now) be summed up into these phases-

• Looking for inspiration- I did look for it far and wide and somewhat wrongly believed it to be overtly dramatic in nature. A lot of things happen gradually but the pace belies their impact. A fast moving event's advantage is merely that you get to react to it quicker; doesn't mean it's necessarily in your benefit. A gradually transition into things is often best since it gives you time to weigh your options and keep your eye on the ball. A very wrong metaphor for me because despite keeping four eyes on the ball my co-ordination is like a drunken monkey :-( 

• Seeking out newness- Man! that was the most miscalculated step EVER! Life ought to be refreshed and rejuvenated as often as the need is felt but to give into the need blindly is nothing less than falling down the rabbit hole and ending up in Wonderland. And that was an odd place wasn't it? Jabberwockies, vindictive queens and the irritatingly mysterious Cheshire cat? After a lot of 'WTF' moments I've realized that after a particular age, the mental and emotional elasticity doesn't allow one to snap back to a previous state of normalcy quite so rapidly or completely. A few looks before the leaps don't leave you feeling rueful about things that transpired which could and should've been nipped in the bud or delved into with caution.

• Communication conundrums- Talking about inspiration earlier and today another A-HA experience happened when I was flipping through the channels for MLM's programs. Home Improvement's reruns were on and the lead pair's take on the nature of communication really mad me think- WOW...a sitcom actually made me THINK! Color me enlightened :p I really used to think that I was aces in communicating but being able to communicate what's needed and at the time that's relevant is finally the essence of the matter. I've often held some of my core people as being defaulters in our way of life and it's understanding because they didn't get what I was communicating. But it didn't always occur to me to spell it out for them either. I told them in many ways but being figurative is always going to fall short in front of straight-up words expressed as plainly as the situation demands. Being metaphorical or being non-verbal merely adds weight. Taken by itself, it's fallen pretty flat where I'm concerned.

• Fighting with myself: I keep telling Red that I was FAR more aware of myself and life as a college-going young adult (despite the faltugiri indulged in) than I am now-after almost 5 years of marriage, a kid and God-knows what else! I knew my boundaries then and often tested them without breaking them. And breaking boundaries has too much glamor associated with it than necessary. You don't need to be an adrenaline junkie or be loose cannon. Sometimes all boundaries do is protect you body and soul since crossing over unleashes consequences that aren't necessary for one to experience in the first place. But too much of lamenting and being an emotional coroner is equally counterproductive. In hindsight I may very well realize that I was better off in a particular time/ era of my life but heck! I can't undo all that's transpired either in the meanwhile. So either I make my peace or admit that regular rumination about it will mess me up further. 

And it's not all that difficult either. I can't honestly think of that many incidents that I'd have preferred I'd not been in, experienced at all. Every place I've been in, the people who've made an impact- for better or for worse, still matter because it's made me more aware. And awareness is nothing to sneeze at. Even the stuff that makes you cringe. 

I do hope when I look back at this particular blog, I can think in a contented manner- been there and still doing all these things but in a manner which keeps me satisfied and not looking for any elusive wisp of reality.