14 April, 2011

Deciphering the Cust Care Speak

How many of you have ever called up anyone in customer care and within seconds gritted the enamel of your teeth and cursed the person upto their 7th generation or wished means of non-procreation on them?

Oh my! That's a whole lot of you now isn't it? But annoying as they may be and as much as we may want to hunt them down in cold blood and feed their innards to hungry hyenas, these people have a lingo, which when understood, you stop becoming feral and just accept the gospel truth. You are the customer and they really don't care
See? That's how you can use the words customer care in one sentence :P

This is a ready reckoner for dealing with, demystifying and ultimately keeping your blood pressure under control when dealing with the DUH!-sters aka customer care reps.The statements include the tripe doled out by the customer care personnel either face to face or on the phone. And the corresponding lines are what they actually may end up meaning. And frequently do :(

  • We'll call you back Sir/Ma'am- NEVER be lulled into a sense of false security by this trite utterance. They will not. Nope. Nada. This sentence is to be re-garbled and understood to mean You call back Sir/Ma'am.
  • We'll call back in 5 minutes- The mythical 5 minutes will start when I feel like it so it could be 5 minutes from the 4th Tuesday of November in 2012. 
  • I'll connect you with our technical people- my knowledge of retrieving data is limited to turning the comp on and off. Am actually leaning into the next cubicle and checking with the guy who can actually locate IE. Am putting you on hold while I get his coffee and a samosa so he'll do my work for me .
  • Let me ask my manager- I was checking out the new girl in the fragrance department and forgot all the instructions given during orientation. 
  • We don't have it in stock now- we never did and we never will but am obligated by my manager to keep you happy and smile at you so I have to let you think we're the storehouse of the world's cornucopia!
  • What a sweet child you have- damn! get the monkey off my shelves! I'll have to go and organize it all again. You'd better buy enough to make me a damn good commission for all the stuff your kid's scattering about.
  • It'll be done soon Ma'am- soon is a good word. Am not sure when these chaps will get around to fixing that. Let me keep her on hold and play muzak till she gets into a coma.
  • We are here to serve you- till I get a job that pays me enough that I can call someone else up and yell at them instead!
  • You want your points redeemed?- perfect! as if my day wasn't fascinating enough without having to hunt down your silly points so you can save 50 bucks on a 5000 ka purchase!
  • Thank you calling, shopping with us yada yada and have a good day- now that you've ruined my day I hope you get a flat tire, your shopping bag splits and you lose your credit cards you horrible people!!!
Disclaimer- The views expressed are sincere and non-retractable till the day I come across a person who doesn't turn into a drooling, half-wit, with the attention span of a microbe and who can actually manage to not look relieved when you depart the shop (sound relieved while hanging up) after transacting your business.

Or maybe it's just me who attracts such Igors? Naah! Am too lovable by half!

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