23 October, 2011

A Post Pour Moi...

I have a habit of going back and re-reading a lot of things I've written earlier; mails, blogs, text messages. I'm not entirely sure why I do it though, except maybe to put myself back in touch with what was influencing me back in time. Again, why that is even important or relevant I'm yet to discover. But I do it nonetheless and I realized that I do often have A-HA experiences or a 'Hmm' from this particular exercise.

While going over some old posts I counted the number of times I've used the phrase 'It's funny how...' and while it's an oh too familiar and prosaic stringing of words I've used it very often because things constantly keep surprising me, amazing me even.
My BFF1 often mocks and is even more exasperated with how oblivious I can be to things which are BANG right in front of me. Am downright like the proverbial blind person in the dark room looking for a black cat at times.

And so no surprises yet again, I found it "funny" how a global and yet VERY old concept of 'Carpe Diem' could surprise me with it's intent and depth. I first knew it to be a Latin phrase, then a poem by Ol' Willie but the meaning of the words hadn't really hit me much. And by now you can guess that it has. Pretty strongly at that.
But what's more important is other things not entirely related to any kind of 'carpe-ing' have started pinging inside the noggin too.

Life in the past few years can be very accurately (now) be summed up into these phases-

  • Looking for inspiration- I did look for it far and wide and somewhat wrongly believed it to be overtly dramatic in nature. A lot of things happen gradually but the pace belies their impact. A fast moving event's advantage is merely that you get to react to it quicker; doesn't mean it's necessarily in your benefit. A gradually transition into things is often best since it gives you time to weigh your options and keep your eye on the ball. A very wrong metaphor for me because despite keeping four eyes on the ball my co-ordination is like a drunken monkey :-( 
  • Seeking out newness- Man! that was the most miscalculated step EVER! Life ought to be refreshed and rejuvenated as often as the need is felt but to give into the need blindly is nothing less than falling down the rabbit hole and ending up in Wonderland. And that was an odd place wasn't it? Jabberwockies, vindictive queens and the irritatingly mysterious Cheshire cat? After a lot of 'WTF' moments I've realized that after a particular age, the mental and emotional elasticity doesn't allow one to snap back to a previous state of normalcy quite so rapidly or completely. A few looks before the leaps don't leave you feeling rueful about things that transpired which could and should've been nipped in the bud or delved into with caution.
  • Communication conundrums- Talking about inspiration earlier and today another A-HA experience happened when I was flipping through the channels for MLM's programs. Home Improvement's reruns were on and the lead pair's take on the nature of communication really mad me think- WOW...a sitcom actually made me THINK! Color me enlightened :p I really used to think that I was aces in communicating but being able to communicate what's needed and at the time that's relevant is finally the essence of the matter. I've often held some of my core people as being defaulters in our way of life and it's understanding because they didn't get what I was communicating. But it didn't always occur to me to spell it out for them either. I told them in many ways but being figurative is always going to fall short in front of straight-up words expressed as plainly as the situation demands. Being metaphorical or being non-verbal merely adds weight. Taken by itself, it's fallen pretty flat where I'm concerned.
  • Fighting with myself: I keep telling Red that I was FAR more aware of myself and life as a college-going young adult (despite the faltugiri indulged in) than I am now-after almost 5 years of marriage, a kid and God-knows what else! I knew my boundaries then and often tested them without breaking them. And breaking boundaries has too much glamor associated with it than necessary. You don't need to be an adrenaline junkie or be loose cannon. Sometimes all boundaries do is protect you body and soul since crossing over unleashes consequences that aren't necessary for one to experience in the first place. But too much of lamenting and being an emotional coroner is equally counterproductive. In hindsight I may very well realize that I was better off in a particular time/ era of my life but heck! I can't undo all that's transpired either in the meanwhile. So either I make my peace or admit that regular rumination about it will mess me up further. 
And it's not all that difficult either. I can't honestly think of that many incidents that I'd have preferred I'd not been in, experienced at all. Every place I've been in, the people who've made an impact- for better or for worse, still matter because it's made me more aware. And awareness is nothing to sneeze at. Even the stuff that makes you cringe. 

I do hope when I look back at this particular blog, I can think in a contented manner- been there and still doing all these things but in a manner which keeps me satisfied and not looking for any elusive wisp of reality.

15 October, 2011

Travails of Sleepytime....

Many of us sleep alone at nights. And they are the lucky ones. The ones who don't aren't unlucky per se but they've lost that God-given privilege of rolling about on their bed all by their lonesome, unless something bad happens and well...that's where couches (in conjuction with angry spouses) come in.

Why am I suddenly tripping on sleeping alone? Well let's see now- the only child that I am, I graduated to a bed of my own at a fairly early age I'd say. And after that I've found that a bedmate (even a chaste one) just didn't do it for me all in all. Something would happen that'd make me long to sleep. A-L-O-N-E!!

The current trigger is the hubby's death grip on my coverlet. Boy! You think it'd be easy to shove a slender guy out of the way and dig out my wrap from under him. You'd think wrong. I'd have better luck excavating dinosaur bones somewhere. The sheet'll be free once he moves. And he doesn't move. Much.

Which leads me to another bone of contention. I'm a wriggler. When I get into bed for the first time I HAVE to wriggle till I mush out a nice cozy space for myself and get the place a bit warm in the process. This doesn't go down well at all. My moving's been likened to the earth rumbling amongst other not so nice allegories. But what can I do? Not everyone's a natural bed warmer like my father. I remember some pretty cold winters I've tried to sneak under his comforter because he radiates furnace-like heat when all covered up.

I sadly, warm up only the place I lie in and since I'm a twitchy sleeper by nature I seldom lie in one place long enough for it to get properly toasty. I inevitably used to wake up from a cold spot on the bed during the winters in various places I've spent my childhood in.
Hyderabad not really having much semblance of a winter is definitely easier on my malfunctioning heating coils.

Anyhow, I realised that sleeping alone is a gift that is never given again post marriage and during the times when you have clingy roommates in the hostel. But that's a different cuppa tea altogether.

Take me for example- I frequently smacked the new groom across his face while we were getting used to sharing a bed. Now I can sleep pretty much anywhere. But he NEEDS to be on his left else he feels as if he's deprived himself of a good night's sleep. Don't ask me why. It's not as if the mattress people stuffed his side of the mattress with more foam and left spikes in mine right?
But adamant he is and on the nights when I've occupied the left side, the following mornings have brought me face to face with Monsier Le Grumpy.

Bonuses of sleeping alone- your posture can be anything at all and you don't ever have to have people grumbling over you at odd times of the night about why you are mimicing the Karate Kid's Crane kick in your sleep. So whether it's a pose of a bird hatching an egg or a midget hatching a plan, your posture is your thing and you get to indulge in all sorts of jungle gym activities all while you sleep beatifically.

Advantage # 2- you can emit any kinds of noise from anywhere you wish and not be thought as disgusting or get an elbow in the ribs right in the middle of the gorgeous dream of you and...erm...nevermind who else.
It's a great and understandable provocation for bodily harm leading to murder if you're startled away by a monstrous snort of your partner. That pillow never looked handier for smothering, am I right?

Drool is also another dread to have to encounter. Imagine while fast asleep, you roll over/ reach other and your hands, feet touch something cold, stickly and thoroughly unpleasant. It's enough to recreate THIS!

Another reason to not let others in your bed, especially kids, is that they'll never want to leave!! Mine starts out in his own cot and somehow always ends up draped over my head, feet in my face, fingers tangled in my hair or moving around between the sheets like a wraith from the horror movies. Am convinced the hubby sleepwalks and then picks up el munchkino and places him between us. And after a few attempts of his kicking his father (whose bones hurt your hands and feet when you make contact with them) my son's permanently turned his limbs towards me. Courtesy my cellulite. Apparently I often go *bleep-bleep* in the night after being kicked in the face or almost being pushed off the bed. I don't remember them of course. I'm in limbo you see. Formed of fatigue and memories of the days when I ruled my own bed and rolled around in circles and formed odd geometric shapes that were a puzzle to my mother.

For now I'll just dream of sleeping by myself instead of tugging the sheet free (it aint gonna happen) and get a few winks in before the sheet usurper and the child repo agent (it SO feels like that) both work in tandem to have me lying awake through the night and working on another blogpost.

Nighty night!